Yeah, I know I have posted a lot today, and it seems that this may become a habit for me. When I have things on my brain that I want to get out there, I just need to get them out there. They may come in bursts, I may hit dry spells, but like I said at the beginning, we will see where this goes.
Right now I'm not feeling particularly depressed. How do I know this? Because I can sit here and think about it, and what it does to my life. I can't do that when I am depressed. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder long enough ago that it was still called Manic-Depression (about 20 years ago). I was in my mid-teens at that time. I don't ever get out of my depressions I don't think. Looking back over my life, I can honestly say that the times I have felt "happy" would be consider just "doin' okay" by most folks standards. I have tried before to explain what depression feels like, and for me, a poem I wrote over 15 years ago seems to sum up my brain pretty well:
Walking The Straight Line
Rust and sandy tan marbled swirl through shale,
The floating foundation of existence.
Limited boundaries of reality
Cloud supported finger of land and trail.
Look back as upon a moment of life.
Sight of blue-gray billowing nothingness.
Not a sight or sound from the world outside
Even though you just stepped from it’s strife.
Squint your pain blurred eyes to the left and right.
Just the same billowed mass of cloud and fog.
In the space occupied by companion
Emptier void than that of the pitched night.
Forward to future only way to gaze.
Follow with teared eyes the course of the rock.
Imagination vexed by depthless view.
No judgements of distance allowed by haze.
Impossible to retreat to haven.
Once left, sanctuaries form triggered snares.
No use trying to scale either blanked side
Cannot rise minus wings of the raven.
Tread onward in search of life in future.
Unsure of frail trail’s continuance.
Narrows to diminished point, fused with clouds
Promised existence no law of nature.
Ambition for movement coming from faith.
Beings dominion over all mankind.
Power of all life encompassed in one,
May it be god, spirit, demon or wraith.
The hiding point of the running torrent.
Moving at speed equal to your approach.
Never glimpse the future, only life of now
Fog shrouds only with your unthought consent.
Close your eyes tight and now witness the view.
The marbled mesa, light hued sky of spring.
Brightness of future, contentment with world
Picture of such power no mortal drew.
Secret of existence, live while awake.
Let the mind not linger on memories.
Nor continue pondering upon hope
For in this gamble, your self is the stake.
Poet I may not be, but I hope you enjoy none the less.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment